We have all sobbed as the details of children who were murdered by their fathers are broad casted over the news. We wept for Darcey and Yasmin as we heard about their last moments and the fact that someone who was suppose to love and protect them betrayed them. My question is how many more mothers and children have to be harmed and how many more lives destroyed before Australia says "NO MORE". The truth is that many children are harmed and killed by people they trust and these people are known to the family courts. Can you honestly believe that these innocent lives were lost for nothing??? There deaths a stain on the family court and yet was swept under the rug after a few days for bigger news.
These father's rights group have come out in masses to support these murders blaming the mothers and the courts for the deaths of these children. They have said more children will die at their father's hands and yet the courts are still handing over children to these men. These father's rights groups want the public to believe that these murders killed innocent children because they got a raw deal in family court. These children lost their lives so excuse me who got the raw deal??? Certainly not the fathers as they are living it up in jail. They have three home cooked meals prepared for them daily, they have access to TVs, Internet, are able to continue on with studies and every day they wake up. These innocent babies don't get any of this so I say again, who got the raw deal?? Who was let down by the family court??? In 25 years at the most these men will walk out of prison a free man. Every day Darcey's mum wakes knowing this man is still alive while her innocent baby did not get the chance to grow up.
These father's rights thugs are misleading the public and manipulating the truth to further push their own agenda. These thugs will have you believe that domestic violence does not exist and that all women lie about experiencing abuse. Even with proof of the violence these thugs say its the woman's fault, they pushed the men to do it, he had no choice in the matter. These thugs think it is acceptable to treat women and children like possessions which they own. These thugs are multiplying at an alarming rate and have infiltrated the family court system, the media and the scarified bond of motherhood by recruiting mothers to turn on other mothers. I use the word thugs because that is what they are. They will stoop to whatever level they have to to server their own agenda and have proved this time and time again.
So what is the father's rights thugs agenda??? To me is seems to rid the world of mother's so they can not be judged or exposed. The ultimate control over a mother is her children. They think by ridding the mother of the children she will be helpless. I want to make myself very clear here I WILL ALWAYS BE A MOTHER NO MATTER WHAT, YOU TAKE MY CHILD AND I WILL NEVER STOP FIGHTING. YOU CAN NOT CONTROL ME AND YOU WILL NEVER STOP ME FROM USING MY VOICE. I WILL NOT SURRENDER TO YOU OR YOUR WANTS. YOU PICKED THE WRONG MOTHER TO MESS WITH, YOU MAKE KNOCK ME DOWN BUT YOU WILL NEVER SHUT ME UP. You see father's rights thugs are all about control and I will never hand over my control to anyone.
So why did Darcey's dad throw her over the bridge but allow her brother to live???? Was it to teach his son how to control women using force??? That poor little boy sat and watched his father steal an innocent life. That poor little boy will be forever haunted by the image of what he saw. The thing is this may in turn continue the cycle of men controlling women.
So I again ask, HOW MANY MORE INNOCENT LIVES HAVE TO BE LOST OR HARMED BEFORE SOMETHING IS DONE?????
I know mothers everywhere breathe a sigh of relief when they get their child back from the father and the child is alive, yes the harm has been done whether physically or emotionally or psychologically but the child is alive for another day and that is all the matters. Women are living in fear that their children will be the next ones who are on the news because the father has decided he is going to punish his ex by taking away her children for good.
Friday 30 September 2011
Don't kick me when I am down
Why is it that people turn on you when you need them the most??? Why do friends, partners, families and other mothers turn on you and judge you when you already feel destroyed???
If you have the answer please let me know. I am sick of being judged and blamed and having people turn their backs on me when I am feeling so vulnerable. Yes I am strong but I do have my weak moments. I want people to think I am copping instead of seeing my heart being broken a little more every day. I do not want people to see how I feel my entire world is crumbling because for all I know they will use this against me in court. Yes I have changed because everything in life makes you who you are today. I am going through something that is life changing. If I was still the same person then you would have to question whether or not I cared about the well being of my child. Have I changed for the better or for the worst???? I do not know. I have changed for the better in the fact that I am now not just fighting for my child. I am fighting for every child out their. I am fighting to protect children for harm and I am also using my voice for all women and mothers who do not feel strong enough to use their own. I do have my moments where I fall to the ground and despair engulfs me and I do not think I can go on. But I pick myself back up and I get on with my life. Where are all the people who are suppose to be supporting me??? Kicking me when I am down.
I know these people are experiencing what I am going through in their own way. I know my family is hurting too at the thought of having to see my child suffer more. I know my friends do not understand as they are not me and never had to experience what I am experiencing with every breathe I take. I know other mothers are judging me for not handing my child over to an abuser. I have heard what they have said, I have seen the looks on their face and I have seen their backs as they turn to walk away as they can't deal with what is happening. I wish I could turn my back on the situation. I wish I didn't have to live my life constantly working things around when my child will be forced to see dad and then need me when they fall. I wish I could plan things in advance and live my life my way and how I want. But I can't as I am now being dictated to by a court and by an abuser whose sole purpose is to control me and my every more. The abuser wants to continue to make an impact in my life whether good or bad. Stop for a second and think how that makes me feel. I took my life back and was living it, my abuser didn't like that and couldn't let me be happy so he is using the court and my child to control me.
Aren't mothers suppose to be helping and supporting other mums??? After all we are similar, we want what is best for our children. Just because you think you know best for my child does not mean you do so stop judging me.
What happened to being there for me??? Aren't family suppose to be there no matter what??? I know this is my fault and I kick myself every day. If only I hadn't put him on the birth certificate this wouldn't be happening, if only I had listened to what you were saying I wouldn't be in this situation. I know all this and I am being punished enough. I do not need my family blaming me. Trust me I blaming myself enough and punishing myself too.
What happened to my partner being their for me??? Aren't you suppose to stand beside me??? I know I have changed and I know things have been hard but isn't it for better or worse??? How would you feel if I turned my back on you when you needed me most??? Didn't you say you saw my child as your own??? Then why aren't you standing besides me holding me up instead of watching me fall???
What happened to my friends being there for me??? No sorry my life got too complicated so you took off. Stuff the fact that I was there for you every time you called. I dropped everything to be there when you hit rock bottom and I helped you get back up and then you watched me fall and told me to deal with it.
Until you have been through the family court or are going through it, you will never completely understand the highs and the lows which you experience, the anxiety of the next court date, the fact that any moment someone could say your a bad parent and then your child is taken from you without warning. Until you are me you will not know what I am feeling and will not understand how it feels to have the person that raped you threaten to take your child away. Until you are me you will not understand how devastating it is to have someone walk back into your life after you thought you took back control from them. Until you are me you will not understand how I felt when you turned your back on me just like the system did, other friends did and other mothers did. Stop for a second and put yourself in my shoes before you metaphorically slap me in the face again.
If you have the answer please let me know. I am sick of being judged and blamed and having people turn their backs on me when I am feeling so vulnerable. Yes I am strong but I do have my weak moments. I want people to think I am copping instead of seeing my heart being broken a little more every day. I do not want people to see how I feel my entire world is crumbling because for all I know they will use this against me in court. Yes I have changed because everything in life makes you who you are today. I am going through something that is life changing. If I was still the same person then you would have to question whether or not I cared about the well being of my child. Have I changed for the better or for the worst???? I do not know. I have changed for the better in the fact that I am now not just fighting for my child. I am fighting for every child out their. I am fighting to protect children for harm and I am also using my voice for all women and mothers who do not feel strong enough to use their own. I do have my moments where I fall to the ground and despair engulfs me and I do not think I can go on. But I pick myself back up and I get on with my life. Where are all the people who are suppose to be supporting me??? Kicking me when I am down.
I know these people are experiencing what I am going through in their own way. I know my family is hurting too at the thought of having to see my child suffer more. I know my friends do not understand as they are not me and never had to experience what I am experiencing with every breathe I take. I know other mothers are judging me for not handing my child over to an abuser. I have heard what they have said, I have seen the looks on their face and I have seen their backs as they turn to walk away as they can't deal with what is happening. I wish I could turn my back on the situation. I wish I didn't have to live my life constantly working things around when my child will be forced to see dad and then need me when they fall. I wish I could plan things in advance and live my life my way and how I want. But I can't as I am now being dictated to by a court and by an abuser whose sole purpose is to control me and my every more. The abuser wants to continue to make an impact in my life whether good or bad. Stop for a second and think how that makes me feel. I took my life back and was living it, my abuser didn't like that and couldn't let me be happy so he is using the court and my child to control me.
Aren't mothers suppose to be helping and supporting other mums??? After all we are similar, we want what is best for our children. Just because you think you know best for my child does not mean you do so stop judging me.
What happened to being there for me??? Aren't family suppose to be there no matter what??? I know this is my fault and I kick myself every day. If only I hadn't put him on the birth certificate this wouldn't be happening, if only I had listened to what you were saying I wouldn't be in this situation. I know all this and I am being punished enough. I do not need my family blaming me. Trust me I blaming myself enough and punishing myself too.
What happened to my partner being their for me??? Aren't you suppose to stand beside me??? I know I have changed and I know things have been hard but isn't it for better or worse??? How would you feel if I turned my back on you when you needed me most??? Didn't you say you saw my child as your own??? Then why aren't you standing besides me holding me up instead of watching me fall???
What happened to my friends being there for me??? No sorry my life got too complicated so you took off. Stuff the fact that I was there for you every time you called. I dropped everything to be there when you hit rock bottom and I helped you get back up and then you watched me fall and told me to deal with it.
Until you have been through the family court or are going through it, you will never completely understand the highs and the lows which you experience, the anxiety of the next court date, the fact that any moment someone could say your a bad parent and then your child is taken from you without warning. Until you are me you will not know what I am feeling and will not understand how it feels to have the person that raped you threaten to take your child away. Until you are me you will not understand how devastating it is to have someone walk back into your life after you thought you took back control from them. Until you are me you will not understand how I felt when you turned your back on me just like the system did, other friends did and other mothers did. Stop for a second and put yourself in my shoes before you metaphorically slap me in the face again.
I want to tell my story
Every person who I have told me story to who are close friends or my family about what is happening to me in the family court today does not believe me. You may think that the gag order of section 121 of the family law act is preventing you from talking and it is. Even if you could talk no one would believe that this is happening in the 21 century. Don't believe me??? Try it, pick one good friend who you trust with your life and who wont run to your ex to speak with (this could be family) and tell them how you were treated in family court because you are a woman and a mother and you will see how they react.
I have spoken with friends and family of mine both male and female and the typical response is "I just don't believe that that's happening, your ex has not been around for 7 years there is no way the court would give him rights he has done nothing" and another from a male friend of mine who had his mother go through the court system for her grand children, "I don't understand how this is going on like this, it doesn't make sense what have they got on you???? What are you doing wrong???" The answer??? I am a woman, I am a mother who proved I could do it on my own and now the father wants to be a dad we are going to punish you for being able to cope without a man, we are going to punish your child for being able to more then survivor without a father.
I hear all the time from people "if they just hear my story they will see I shouldn't be in court". :If only people knew what was happening things would change". The fact is people don't want to believe that these days women are still not treated as equal. People do not want to hear the fact that domestic violence is real unless it has happened to them. People do not want to know what is going on in the family court system so that way they can plead ignorance with everything finally blows up and someone exposes the corruption which is happening daily behind the closed door of the family court and behind the closed doors or "expert court workers". The reality is until someone in power witnesses first hand the devastating truth of the corruption and discrimination against women especially, women who have experienced domestic violence, no one will listen. No one wants to listen and no one is allowed to speak.
Do you think that today tonight would pick up a story about how mothers are having their children stolen from them??? Nope not if it is being heard in the family court. Why??? Because us mothers are not allowed to speak. How many fathers have you seen crying poor me, my child was taken from me to the media??? Do you get to hear why the child was taken??? Do you get to hear from the children and from the mother??? Nope she is not allowed to speak. How many media personalities have supported fathers without knowing the reason behind why a child is not spending time with dear old dad or why the mother has done a runner??? I can name a few. Do you think these same people would support a woman??? Nope which media personality has gotten on board to support Melinda Stratton who took her child out of the country to protect him???? I can't name one can you????
SO why are men allowed to speak up about how they are getting a raw deal in the family court system and women are just suppose to keep quiet??? Discrimination. You see mums don't have penises so what they have to say doesn't matter. Women are like children, they need to be seen and not heard. This is not my opinion this is how the world and the family court see it. Yes it needs to change but with the gag order and the reluctance of the media to tell the truth who is going to be the voice of reason??????
I have spoken with friends and family of mine both male and female and the typical response is "I just don't believe that that's happening, your ex has not been around for 7 years there is no way the court would give him rights he has done nothing" and another from a male friend of mine who had his mother go through the court system for her grand children, "I don't understand how this is going on like this, it doesn't make sense what have they got on you???? What are you doing wrong???" The answer??? I am a woman, I am a mother who proved I could do it on my own and now the father wants to be a dad we are going to punish you for being able to cope without a man, we are going to punish your child for being able to more then survivor without a father.
I hear all the time from people "if they just hear my story they will see I shouldn't be in court". :If only people knew what was happening things would change". The fact is people don't want to believe that these days women are still not treated as equal. People do not want to hear the fact that domestic violence is real unless it has happened to them. People do not want to know what is going on in the family court system so that way they can plead ignorance with everything finally blows up and someone exposes the corruption which is happening daily behind the closed door of the family court and behind the closed doors or "expert court workers". The reality is until someone in power witnesses first hand the devastating truth of the corruption and discrimination against women especially, women who have experienced domestic violence, no one will listen. No one wants to listen and no one is allowed to speak.
Do you think that today tonight would pick up a story about how mothers are having their children stolen from them??? Nope not if it is being heard in the family court. Why??? Because us mothers are not allowed to speak. How many fathers have you seen crying poor me, my child was taken from me to the media??? Do you get to hear why the child was taken??? Do you get to hear from the children and from the mother??? Nope she is not allowed to speak. How many media personalities have supported fathers without knowing the reason behind why a child is not spending time with dear old dad or why the mother has done a runner??? I can name a few. Do you think these same people would support a woman??? Nope which media personality has gotten on board to support Melinda Stratton who took her child out of the country to protect him???? I can't name one can you????
SO why are men allowed to speak up about how they are getting a raw deal in the family court system and women are just suppose to keep quiet??? Discrimination. You see mums don't have penises so what they have to say doesn't matter. Women are like children, they need to be seen and not heard. This is not my opinion this is how the world and the family court see it. Yes it needs to change but with the gag order and the reluctance of the media to tell the truth who is going to be the voice of reason??????
Wednesday 21 September 2011
Won't someone think of the children????
Let's be honest here. No one actually wins in the family court system. Every body loses something. But most importantly the children lose. They lose their right to speak, they lose part of their childhood and they lose when it comes to being able to make decisions about their lives.The children lose the most and it needs to stop.
These decisions are taken from children and given to adults who have never met the child or even interviewed the child. These people decide what is best for a child who they see as just a number or a pay check. Does anyone understand how unfair this is??? Not all children should get a say as a baby can not decide on what they want but the court needs to view each case as individual and stop trying to push something square into the round window of a quick fix. I know many children who are very capable of communicating what they want and need and they are being denied their right to do so. Why??? Because according to the court system children under the age of about 8-12 can not understand the consequences of their decisions. NEWS FLASH. Children learn about decision making every day in their live and the consequences of making such decisions. Again this needs to be looked at individually as all children are different.
Why is it that the family court which is suppose to be there to protect children are the ones who are actually failing them??? How can a system which is applied to every case regardless of the facts, work to protect children??? You walk into a court and you actually have to prove that shared care will be detrimental to a call beyond reasonable doubt. Stuff the fact that abuse has occurred and the other parent has no relationship with the child. That means nothing. In most cases shared care is awarded regardless of what has occurred before getting to court because judges are using a band aide effect on all cases presented before them. Then when things go completely wrong they may consider changing the orders if you are not to blame for shared care not working.
How is shared care in the best interest of the child??? Is it really the best interest of the child to live one week in a home which has one set of rules and expectations with minimal contact from the other parent and then just as they are settling in have to pack their things into a bag and change homes again??? Is this really providing a stable environment for children to live in??? How is this not child abuse??? I am not saying it doesn't work for all children when both parents get along and share the same parenting techniques and are able to communicate effectively with each other. Let's face it though how many people who are court ordered into shared care able to communicate effectively???
Children are the ones who are losing the most when their parents are feuding in the family court system and this needs stop. I am not blaming anyone, I am blaming the laws. The majority of cases which end up in front of a judge involve some sort of family violence and this is not being addressed. I am not against decent fathers and men being involved in their children's lives. Let's face it most mothers aren't. I am against abusive men using the system to continue the abuse.
I as a mother in the family court hell has been judged saying I am as bad as my ex because I refuse to hand over the child to a man who abused drugs and alcohol, abused me in front of the child, abused the child and now is verbally abusing the child during contact visits and still trying to control my life. Guess what, you don't know my situation, you don't know my ex and you sure as hell don't know what my child wants. My child has been brought up to contribute to decisions which ultimately effect the child's life. Will the courts allow this child to take part in decisions about the child's life??? No because the child is almost 7 years old so according to the court is not mature enough to participate in decisions which will effect the child's life forever.
Do the courts care what children want??? Ultimately no they don't if it does not match with what the law says has to happen. My child wants nothing to do with dad. Why??? Because he denies the child a childhood and because he continues to tell the child what a bad mother I am. Do let me forget that he attempts to buy the child with gifts and bribe the child with the fact that if the child refuses to see dad the child will not be allowed to have a relationship with his niece and nephew. What does my child say to this??? Keep your presents I don't want them and I do not care if I don't have a relationships with your family who until court ordered had nothing to do with me or my life.
So who is going to put children first??? Not the courts that's for sure and not the people the courts appoint to be ICL or family planner as they can not fit a square solution into a round law.
Everyday of my life, I put my child's rights, needs and wants before my own and for this my child and I will be punished as my child will realise that what I have been teaching them means shit in the real world and ultimately adult males needs, wants and rights are put before that of the child.
These decisions are taken from children and given to adults who have never met the child or even interviewed the child. These people decide what is best for a child who they see as just a number or a pay check. Does anyone understand how unfair this is??? Not all children should get a say as a baby can not decide on what they want but the court needs to view each case as individual and stop trying to push something square into the round window of a quick fix. I know many children who are very capable of communicating what they want and need and they are being denied their right to do so. Why??? Because according to the court system children under the age of about 8-12 can not understand the consequences of their decisions. NEWS FLASH. Children learn about decision making every day in their live and the consequences of making such decisions. Again this needs to be looked at individually as all children are different.
Why is it that the family court which is suppose to be there to protect children are the ones who are actually failing them??? How can a system which is applied to every case regardless of the facts, work to protect children??? You walk into a court and you actually have to prove that shared care will be detrimental to a call beyond reasonable doubt. Stuff the fact that abuse has occurred and the other parent has no relationship with the child. That means nothing. In most cases shared care is awarded regardless of what has occurred before getting to court because judges are using a band aide effect on all cases presented before them. Then when things go completely wrong they may consider changing the orders if you are not to blame for shared care not working.
How is shared care in the best interest of the child??? Is it really the best interest of the child to live one week in a home which has one set of rules and expectations with minimal contact from the other parent and then just as they are settling in have to pack their things into a bag and change homes again??? Is this really providing a stable environment for children to live in??? How is this not child abuse??? I am not saying it doesn't work for all children when both parents get along and share the same parenting techniques and are able to communicate effectively with each other. Let's face it though how many people who are court ordered into shared care able to communicate effectively???
Children are the ones who are losing the most when their parents are feuding in the family court system and this needs stop. I am not blaming anyone, I am blaming the laws. The majority of cases which end up in front of a judge involve some sort of family violence and this is not being addressed. I am not against decent fathers and men being involved in their children's lives. Let's face it most mothers aren't. I am against abusive men using the system to continue the abuse.
I as a mother in the family court hell has been judged saying I am as bad as my ex because I refuse to hand over the child to a man who abused drugs and alcohol, abused me in front of the child, abused the child and now is verbally abusing the child during contact visits and still trying to control my life. Guess what, you don't know my situation, you don't know my ex and you sure as hell don't know what my child wants. My child has been brought up to contribute to decisions which ultimately effect the child's life. Will the courts allow this child to take part in decisions about the child's life??? No because the child is almost 7 years old so according to the court is not mature enough to participate in decisions which will effect the child's life forever.
Do the courts care what children want??? Ultimately no they don't if it does not match with what the law says has to happen. My child wants nothing to do with dad. Why??? Because he denies the child a childhood and because he continues to tell the child what a bad mother I am. Do let me forget that he attempts to buy the child with gifts and bribe the child with the fact that if the child refuses to see dad the child will not be allowed to have a relationship with his niece and nephew. What does my child say to this??? Keep your presents I don't want them and I do not care if I don't have a relationships with your family who until court ordered had nothing to do with me or my life.
So who is going to put children first??? Not the courts that's for sure and not the people the courts appoint to be ICL or family planner as they can not fit a square solution into a round law.
Everyday of my life, I put my child's rights, needs and wants before my own and for this my child and I will be punished as my child will realise that what I have been teaching them means shit in the real world and ultimately adult males needs, wants and rights are put before that of the child.
Saturday 17 September 2011
The Next Stolen Generation
Why are we once again in the middle of the next stolen generation???? Why are we repeating the same mistakes many years later when we have seen the damage that has been done???? For hundreds of years white people stole Aboriginal Children from their mum's breast and the Australian government is doing the same thing today with women because why??? They are women and mothers. Children are being forcibly remove from their mothers breast to fulfil the rights of man to have access to their children regardless of what this is doing to young children and their mothers.
Mothers are losing their children to the current family laws and I am not just talking about for overnight visits with dad. I am talking children are being removed from the mothers care never to be returned on the pretence that they will be better off with dad. Is this not the same reason many Aboriginal families were torn apart??? Because someone in power thought it would be best for the children??? How many more families have to suffer this fate before they once again realise how wrong they are and how much trauma they are causing families and children??? In 100 years we are going to once again going to see an Australian prime minister apologising to the Australian public for today's governments mistakes. But by then its going to be too late just like it was for the Aboriginal people.
This pain is going to be carried through from generation to generation. Past governments wanted to destroy the Aboriginal culture and they were almost successful in doing so. The government today wants to destroy the notion of mothers and they are succeeding slowly. I know several mothers who have lost complete access to their children. The children they carried inside them for 9 months, the children they birthed, the children they loved before meeting them, the children they would give their life for, the children the promised to protect and this is destroying mothers. These mothers are not abusive or incapable, these mothers tried to protect their children and they are being punished. Just like the Aboriginal people who tried to protect their young and were punished for doing so all in the name of the law.
Me, I am an Aboriginal person and I was effected by the stolen generation and do not know my ancestors. Me, I am also a single mother who is going to be effected by the new stolen generation because my ex has decided after almost 7 years he is now entitled to be a father. I will be punished for trying to protect my child just as my ancestors were punished too. I will not allow the government to destroy the notion of mother as they destroyed my culture. Will you allow the government to steal the next generation of children??????
This person could be you, this person could be your friend, this person could be any body and no one can help her or her children. The next stolen generation. The next culture destroyed. Mothers no longer needed.
Mothers are losing their children to the current family laws and I am not just talking about for overnight visits with dad. I am talking children are being removed from the mothers care never to be returned on the pretence that they will be better off with dad. Is this not the same reason many Aboriginal families were torn apart??? Because someone in power thought it would be best for the children??? How many more families have to suffer this fate before they once again realise how wrong they are and how much trauma they are causing families and children??? In 100 years we are going to once again going to see an Australian prime minister apologising to the Australian public for today's governments mistakes. But by then its going to be too late just like it was for the Aboriginal people.
This pain is going to be carried through from generation to generation. Past governments wanted to destroy the Aboriginal culture and they were almost successful in doing so. The government today wants to destroy the notion of mothers and they are succeeding slowly. I know several mothers who have lost complete access to their children. The children they carried inside them for 9 months, the children they birthed, the children they loved before meeting them, the children they would give their life for, the children the promised to protect and this is destroying mothers. These mothers are not abusive or incapable, these mothers tried to protect their children and they are being punished. Just like the Aboriginal people who tried to protect their young and were punished for doing so all in the name of the law.
Me, I am an Aboriginal person and I was effected by the stolen generation and do not know my ancestors. Me, I am also a single mother who is going to be effected by the new stolen generation because my ex has decided after almost 7 years he is now entitled to be a father. I will be punished for trying to protect my child just as my ancestors were punished too. I will not allow the government to destroy the notion of mother as they destroyed my culture. Will you allow the government to steal the next generation of children??????
This person could be you, this person could be your friend, this person could be any body and no one can help her or her children. The next stolen generation. The next culture destroyed. Mothers no longer needed.
Friday 16 September 2011
Single Mothers Vs Single Fathers
Why do single fathers get so much more help then single mothers???? Is it because society thinks that fathers need assistance with raising children by himself and that mothers don't???? Is it because fathers are not natural nurturers??? Why is it alright it today's society to judge a woman because she is single and raising children but support a man who is single and raising children???
I know several single fathers and I know several single mothers and am a single mother myself and I have personally witnessed the differences between how I and other single mothers are treated compared with how single fathers are treated.
Single dad raising two children is given a three bedroom unit by department of housing, a house full of furniture by salvos including a TV, washing machine, fridge, dryer, couch and beds, He is visited by Vinnie's regularly with food baskets and gifts for the children, his children are picked up fortnightly by the big brother/sister program who take the children for 2 hours on a Saturday morning to give good old dad a break, he is receiving a pension and does not work.
Single mum raising two children is called into centrelink regularly to see whether or not she has been successful in finding a job, she is living in a woman's refuge with many other women waiting for emergency accommodation from housing she she can finally have a place to call home, she has the clothes on her back and a few second hand clothes which have been given to her by the refuge and has been to both the salvation army and Vinnie's looking for help but unfortunately they are not able to offer assistance at this stage and have told her to come back next week.
Fair??? No but its reality.
Single dad raising one child, has a drug problem and has had the child removed from his care three times in a period of two years for physically abusing the child while under the influence of drugs and alcohol, he is being supported by Bernardo's to gain custody of his child back. He is living in department of housing, owns a car, visiting Vinnie's and salvos each fortnight to help buy food and pay his bills. When the child is returned back to his care to offer dear old dad support once a week the child is picked up by a foster carer and spends the night with the carer for respite care. He is given a lawyer for free who assists him in gaining his child back each time Docs remove the child and the child is placed in child care five days a week which dad does not have to pay for. Dad drops the child at care at 8am every morning and does not pick the child up until 5 each afternoon.
Single mum raising one child, is working three days a week while studying her degree at Uni, does not receive regular child support, has to pay child care fees, attempts to get assistance from the father of the child to pay the fees only to be told he refuses as the mother is only working part time and child does not need care, Vinnie's is unable to help her but promises a Christmas hamper will be delivered to her home to assist with the financial burden on Christmas, the hamper does not turn up, Centrelink are questioning why she should receive JETS child care assistance and are reducing her family tax benefit because the father of the child should be paying child support which he is not doing and housing have told her that her name will not be added to the list for a place of her own as she is living in one room with her mother and this is suitable accommodation for her and her child.
Fair???? No not at all but once again reality.
Today's society is making it impossible for women to get a fair deal. Single mothers are being forced to return to work when their youngest child starts school otherwise they will lose their benefit. Once the mother is working and if she is living in housing she will lose her home as the new housing regulation is if you work you are not allowed to live in housing. So mother finds herself in a catch 22. How is she suppose to be a mum to her children, work full time so she can pay private rent and still afford to pay her bills and provide her children with food??? They do not care as single mothers are a burden to society.
Today's society is making is easier for single fathers as those poor men have had their children dumped on them and need all the help they can get. Poor father lets not force him into the workforce because then how will he be able to care for the children????? Let's give him housing straight away and fill the place with furniture, he is also entitled to support from other agencies and seeing he is not the minority he is given priority for everything.
Now I have nothing against single fathers who step up to the plate and offer their children then best care possible. I have something against single fathers who have stolen these children from loving mothers to reek the rewards which they are entitled too thanks to centrelink and other government agencies who believe single fathers only exist when there is something wrong with the mothers and thus need all the extra support they can get. These people need to wake up and see that the benefits they are offering for single fathers are causing the problems.
Stop rewarding fathers for taking away children from their mothers and watch all the children handed back to mothers who are willing to struggle and sacrifice to provide for these children.
I know several single fathers and I know several single mothers and am a single mother myself and I have personally witnessed the differences between how I and other single mothers are treated compared with how single fathers are treated.
Single dad raising two children is given a three bedroom unit by department of housing, a house full of furniture by salvos including a TV, washing machine, fridge, dryer, couch and beds, He is visited by Vinnie's regularly with food baskets and gifts for the children, his children are picked up fortnightly by the big brother/sister program who take the children for 2 hours on a Saturday morning to give good old dad a break, he is receiving a pension and does not work.
Single mum raising two children is called into centrelink regularly to see whether or not she has been successful in finding a job, she is living in a woman's refuge with many other women waiting for emergency accommodation from housing she she can finally have a place to call home, she has the clothes on her back and a few second hand clothes which have been given to her by the refuge and has been to both the salvation army and Vinnie's looking for help but unfortunately they are not able to offer assistance at this stage and have told her to come back next week.
Fair??? No but its reality.
Single dad raising one child, has a drug problem and has had the child removed from his care three times in a period of two years for physically abusing the child while under the influence of drugs and alcohol, he is being supported by Bernardo's to gain custody of his child back. He is living in department of housing, owns a car, visiting Vinnie's and salvos each fortnight to help buy food and pay his bills. When the child is returned back to his care to offer dear old dad support once a week the child is picked up by a foster carer and spends the night with the carer for respite care. He is given a lawyer for free who assists him in gaining his child back each time Docs remove the child and the child is placed in child care five days a week which dad does not have to pay for. Dad drops the child at care at 8am every morning and does not pick the child up until 5 each afternoon.
Single mum raising one child, is working three days a week while studying her degree at Uni, does not receive regular child support, has to pay child care fees, attempts to get assistance from the father of the child to pay the fees only to be told he refuses as the mother is only working part time and child does not need care, Vinnie's is unable to help her but promises a Christmas hamper will be delivered to her home to assist with the financial burden on Christmas, the hamper does not turn up, Centrelink are questioning why she should receive JETS child care assistance and are reducing her family tax benefit because the father of the child should be paying child support which he is not doing and housing have told her that her name will not be added to the list for a place of her own as she is living in one room with her mother and this is suitable accommodation for her and her child.
Fair???? No not at all but once again reality.
Today's society is making it impossible for women to get a fair deal. Single mothers are being forced to return to work when their youngest child starts school otherwise they will lose their benefit. Once the mother is working and if she is living in housing she will lose her home as the new housing regulation is if you work you are not allowed to live in housing. So mother finds herself in a catch 22. How is she suppose to be a mum to her children, work full time so she can pay private rent and still afford to pay her bills and provide her children with food??? They do not care as single mothers are a burden to society.
Today's society is making is easier for single fathers as those poor men have had their children dumped on them and need all the help they can get. Poor father lets not force him into the workforce because then how will he be able to care for the children????? Let's give him housing straight away and fill the place with furniture, he is also entitled to support from other agencies and seeing he is not the minority he is given priority for everything.
Now I have nothing against single fathers who step up to the plate and offer their children then best care possible. I have something against single fathers who have stolen these children from loving mothers to reek the rewards which they are entitled too thanks to centrelink and other government agencies who believe single fathers only exist when there is something wrong with the mothers and thus need all the extra support they can get. These people need to wake up and see that the benefits they are offering for single fathers are causing the problems.
Stop rewarding fathers for taking away children from their mothers and watch all the children handed back to mothers who are willing to struggle and sacrifice to provide for these children.
When did mother become a bad word?????
Does anyone else feel like using the word mother is now taboo???? I know I do. No longer is being a positive thing, it is now considered to be an unnecessary person in the child's life especially if you are going through the family court system. And being a single mother is the worst thing in the entire world.
I am so sick of being labelled because I am a single mother. Did I choose to be a single mum??? In the short answer yes. I choose to leave me abusive partner and raise my child in a safe stable environment. I choose to have a better life for my child and I. Did I want to be a single mum??? No I grew up dreaming of being a mum but didn't dream I would be doing it by myself at the age of 20.
Back when good old John Howard started the attacks on single mother's is when mum became a bad word. He stereotyped that all single mothers got pregnant on purpose so that they were entitled to live the life of luxury at the tax payers expense by living off the welfare payments. Fact is Mr Howard it takes two people to get pregnant both a man and a woman and not all single mothers live off welfare. I have been a single mother for 6 and a half years and in that time I have worked three days a week and have studied a double degree at university so I can provide a better life for my child. I do not live the life of luxury, far from it actually. I live with my mother as the so called welfare payments and family tax benefits which I receive would not allow me to have a place of my own and be able to survive and have food in my cupboards. I do not drive an expensive car, my car is nearly as old as me but it is safe and gets me from A to B. I do not go on expensive holidays yearly as Mr Howard had the Australian public believe.
Mr Howard has destroyed the role of mother's in their children's life by setting up the "great" CSA. You see I agree that if both parents are separated and are still in the child's life they should have to pay to raise that child. But what Mr Howard did is set up the CSA in a way to benefit father's if they had time with their child by reducing the amount of child support they have to pay to mother's who according to men spend the money on themselves and their new boyfriends. I can tell you now until my ex was finally tracked down for child support after 6 years he did not apply to the family court for access to the child. It was only once he was found and cautioned about not paying child support that he started the court proceedings and since then I have received the child support money monthly. Before this I was lucky to receive it once every 5 months once he was tracked down at a new job before again leaving. Guess what I do not want his child support if it means he will leave the child alone. I did it by myself (with help from my mother) for 6 years and I will be happy to continue to do it for the rest of my life if my child is safe. Even my lawyer and the woman from court support can see that my ex taking me to court is about the money and nothing else.
Mother became a dirty word when the father's rights group got on board to reduce the amount of child support men have to pay and to show the word how much they hate women and especially mothers. And who helped them gain power??? You guessed it John Howard and his hatred of single mothers.
So I want to say thank you John Howard for spreading your hatred of mothers and women. I am sure your mother would be proud. And thank you to the father's rights group for putting children's right to safety below the right for men to keep money in their pocket. And thank you CSA for assisting abusers to continue the cycle of abuse and thank you to the family court system for enabling the abusers access to mothers and children to once again continue their abuse.
I am so sick of being labelled because I am a single mother. Did I choose to be a single mum??? In the short answer yes. I choose to leave me abusive partner and raise my child in a safe stable environment. I choose to have a better life for my child and I. Did I want to be a single mum??? No I grew up dreaming of being a mum but didn't dream I would be doing it by myself at the age of 20.
Back when good old John Howard started the attacks on single mother's is when mum became a bad word. He stereotyped that all single mothers got pregnant on purpose so that they were entitled to live the life of luxury at the tax payers expense by living off the welfare payments. Fact is Mr Howard it takes two people to get pregnant both a man and a woman and not all single mothers live off welfare. I have been a single mother for 6 and a half years and in that time I have worked three days a week and have studied a double degree at university so I can provide a better life for my child. I do not live the life of luxury, far from it actually. I live with my mother as the so called welfare payments and family tax benefits which I receive would not allow me to have a place of my own and be able to survive and have food in my cupboards. I do not drive an expensive car, my car is nearly as old as me but it is safe and gets me from A to B. I do not go on expensive holidays yearly as Mr Howard had the Australian public believe.
Mr Howard has destroyed the role of mother's in their children's life by setting up the "great" CSA. You see I agree that if both parents are separated and are still in the child's life they should have to pay to raise that child. But what Mr Howard did is set up the CSA in a way to benefit father's if they had time with their child by reducing the amount of child support they have to pay to mother's who according to men spend the money on themselves and their new boyfriends. I can tell you now until my ex was finally tracked down for child support after 6 years he did not apply to the family court for access to the child. It was only once he was found and cautioned about not paying child support that he started the court proceedings and since then I have received the child support money monthly. Before this I was lucky to receive it once every 5 months once he was tracked down at a new job before again leaving. Guess what I do not want his child support if it means he will leave the child alone. I did it by myself (with help from my mother) for 6 years and I will be happy to continue to do it for the rest of my life if my child is safe. Even my lawyer and the woman from court support can see that my ex taking me to court is about the money and nothing else.
Mother became a dirty word when the father's rights group got on board to reduce the amount of child support men have to pay and to show the word how much they hate women and especially mothers. And who helped them gain power??? You guessed it John Howard and his hatred of single mothers.
So I want to say thank you John Howard for spreading your hatred of mothers and women. I am sure your mother would be proud. And thank you to the father's rights group for putting children's right to safety below the right for men to keep money in their pocket. And thank you CSA for assisting abusers to continue the cycle of abuse and thank you to the family court system for enabling the abusers access to mothers and children to once again continue their abuse.
I feel like I am failing my child
My child is struggling with being forced to spend time with dear old dad. You see he is not the nicest person and is not actually interested in spending time with the child but more interested in hurting me. This is the only way he can now and by god he is going to push it to the full to make me hurt for enjoying me life. During visits which are supervised he is emotionally abusing my child as well as verballing abusing and isolating the child from playing with children the same age as it is his time and the time needs to be spent with him. Don't worry though the court is making excuses for this behaviour and have stated it is just him being anxious about the lack of time he has been awarded.
You see my child is 6 and a half years old and has never had a real relationship with dad. Dad was a drug abuser and an alcoholic and yes I have proof of this but it doesn't mean anything to the court because that was his past. When he was under the influence of these substances he was violent towards me and my child. He has also made it clear that woman are scum and need to be put into place. He being a male is allowed to feel this way and has also been violent towards his sister who supports him in court.
Back to me failing my child. Each fortnight about 3 to 4 days before the forced visits, my child begins to become anxious about having to see this man. Each time I am met with comments from my child which are screamed at me and include "Why aren't you listening to me, I don't want to go to the visit" "Why are you making me go, I don't like it" "Why are you forcing me" and each time my heart breaks a little more. I have tried to explain to my child that this is not coming from me, these are ordered by the court and if you do not go I will be in trouble with the court. I have also tried to explain that if I was able to stop it I would. BUT now I have left myself open for the "unfriendly parent" concept to be thrown at me in court because I am not encourage my child to have a relationship with someone they are scared of and do not want to see. I risk losing my child for good because I am trying to save my relationship with the child. I have been told by the court reporter that I need to inform my child that they would not be alive if it was not for dear old dad. Yes that is right you read the words correctly no need to read again. The court reported has told me to tell a 6 and a half year old they owe their life to dear old dad, child abuse? In my opinion, yes and with only further damage a child who is suffering already at the hands of an out dated court system that puts the rights of parents above that of the child.
Each second Sunday my poor mum and I have to "encourage, coax and bribe" a scared 6 and a half year old to go spend time with an abusive man to honour his "god given right" to his child. And this is why I feel like I am failing my child. Isn't it my job to protect the child from harm?, isn't it my job to provide the child with a safe and secure home?, isn't it my job to listen to the child? Isn't it my job to allow my child to have a happy childhood? Isn't it my job to allow my child to grow into a happy, healthy, stable young adult? No it isn't according to the family court. You see if I do that I am again at risk of being labelled the "unfriendly parent" and risk losing all my rights as a mother. Instead my relationship with my child is being damaged and this is allowing my ex to win as this is what he wants. My child's relationship with my mother is also being damaged and no one cares. What happened to the importance of grandparents in a child's life???? He does not see the harm he is doing and has told the court how great the visits are going. I have told the court about the child's behaviour which include bed wetting, nightmares, separation anxiety and poor performance at school. I am being labelled in the report as alleging these things where as dear old dad is asserting??? This is sexism gone made. Why am I alleging and him asserting??? Why is his word gold and mine worth nothing???? I have experts backing me up on the behaviour change but these people are accused of lying for me. Why because I am a mother and have boobs and he is a father and has a penis so he must be right. No father would actually lie. Ha what a joke. Why should his word be taken on face value and mine be dismissed??? Why is his relationship with the child more valuable then mine???
The Australian government and people would like you all to believe that women and men are treated equal but reality is we aren't. Until women are treated equally mothers will always come second to fathers in the court systems. What happened to a mothers god given right to raise their children??? That went out the door thanks to John Howard.
So why do I feel like I am failing my child???
Because I am having to break the child's trust in me and my mother each fortnight so he can have a relationship which the child does not want anyway.
Because I am risking losing my child by using my voice to speak out about the injustices women are facing each day in court.
Because I feel helpless and can not respect what the child wants.
Because I am not allowing the child to use their voice.
Because I am a woman in the family court system.
You see my child is 6 and a half years old and has never had a real relationship with dad. Dad was a drug abuser and an alcoholic and yes I have proof of this but it doesn't mean anything to the court because that was his past. When he was under the influence of these substances he was violent towards me and my child. He has also made it clear that woman are scum and need to be put into place. He being a male is allowed to feel this way and has also been violent towards his sister who supports him in court.
Back to me failing my child. Each fortnight about 3 to 4 days before the forced visits, my child begins to become anxious about having to see this man. Each time I am met with comments from my child which are screamed at me and include "Why aren't you listening to me, I don't want to go to the visit" "Why are you making me go, I don't like it" "Why are you forcing me" and each time my heart breaks a little more. I have tried to explain to my child that this is not coming from me, these are ordered by the court and if you do not go I will be in trouble with the court. I have also tried to explain that if I was able to stop it I would. BUT now I have left myself open for the "unfriendly parent" concept to be thrown at me in court because I am not encourage my child to have a relationship with someone they are scared of and do not want to see. I risk losing my child for good because I am trying to save my relationship with the child. I have been told by the court reporter that I need to inform my child that they would not be alive if it was not for dear old dad. Yes that is right you read the words correctly no need to read again. The court reported has told me to tell a 6 and a half year old they owe their life to dear old dad, child abuse? In my opinion, yes and with only further damage a child who is suffering already at the hands of an out dated court system that puts the rights of parents above that of the child.
Each second Sunday my poor mum and I have to "encourage, coax and bribe" a scared 6 and a half year old to go spend time with an abusive man to honour his "god given right" to his child. And this is why I feel like I am failing my child. Isn't it my job to protect the child from harm?, isn't it my job to provide the child with a safe and secure home?, isn't it my job to listen to the child? Isn't it my job to allow my child to have a happy childhood? Isn't it my job to allow my child to grow into a happy, healthy, stable young adult? No it isn't according to the family court. You see if I do that I am again at risk of being labelled the "unfriendly parent" and risk losing all my rights as a mother. Instead my relationship with my child is being damaged and this is allowing my ex to win as this is what he wants. My child's relationship with my mother is also being damaged and no one cares. What happened to the importance of grandparents in a child's life???? He does not see the harm he is doing and has told the court how great the visits are going. I have told the court about the child's behaviour which include bed wetting, nightmares, separation anxiety and poor performance at school. I am being labelled in the report as alleging these things where as dear old dad is asserting??? This is sexism gone made. Why am I alleging and him asserting??? Why is his word gold and mine worth nothing???? I have experts backing me up on the behaviour change but these people are accused of lying for me. Why because I am a mother and have boobs and he is a father and has a penis so he must be right. No father would actually lie. Ha what a joke. Why should his word be taken on face value and mine be dismissed??? Why is his relationship with the child more valuable then mine???
The Australian government and people would like you all to believe that women and men are treated equal but reality is we aren't. Until women are treated equally mothers will always come second to fathers in the court systems. What happened to a mothers god given right to raise their children??? That went out the door thanks to John Howard.
So why do I feel like I am failing my child???
Because I am having to break the child's trust in me and my mother each fortnight so he can have a relationship which the child does not want anyway.
Because I am risking losing my child by using my voice to speak out about the injustices women are facing each day in court.
Because I feel helpless and can not respect what the child wants.
Because I am not allowing the child to use their voice.
Because I am a woman in the family court system.
Friday 9 September 2011
Who can you trust???
So you are going through the family court leaning on your friends and family for support because of the emotional toll it is taking on you. Then out of the blue some how your ex gets information on things you have said to the people you thought you can trust. You feel more alone then ever. Who would of told him???? How could he find out??? Are you being paranoid??? The simple answer is no your not paranoid someone has passed on this information and you aren't special this is what happens. It has happened to many mums going through the family court system and this is why we all feel so alone. We don't know who to turn to and once again we are being isolated which continues the cycle of abuse.
Here is what happened to me. I received a text message from my first ever boyfriend asking me how I was. I did not think anything of it as this guy and I started seeing each other when we were 15 and then he moved to the other side of Australia so we had always kept in contact at Christmas and birthdays. I thought he was a friend and so began talking to him about what was happening in my life including about court and my partner. The questions started "so does your partner often walk out when you need his support? Does he financially support you and your child? I started to wonder why he would ask such questions I mean why would he need to know? Then when I told him how my ex behaved towards my mum and child during visits and I would be using this in my court case, my ex's behaviour started to change. I got suspicious of this and called "my friend" up on this. I have not heard from him since.
Three days ago I got a text message from a guy I dated 4 years ago for about 6 weeks until he said my child was an issue. He asked me if I was married yet? First I did not who this person was as I never kept in contact with him at all and when I found out who it was my first question was "why do you want to know?" That's when I came to the conclusion someone was after information on me, but who??? Maybe my ex and I realised I had the upper hand because I could feed both these people a load of lies which would discredit them in court.
I then had a mother at my child's school tell me how great it was that I was finally allowing my child to have a relationship with their father. It was great to see. To this I lost it saying "Oh yeah real great now he is able to abuse the child whenever he wants". She stared at me like I was speaking a different language. So I said "You weren't there when he physically hurt the child or when he was abusing me in front of the child, now do you think its great????" This mother walked away bitching about me to another parent and left me sobbing to another parent saying "She doesn't know what happened how dare she say that to me".
I felt betrayed by these people. What do they have to gain by sourcing information from me???? I then realised this was a good thing in a way. It means there is nothing on me that they can use so are trying to find information to discredit me as a mother in court. My advice for them KEEP DIGGING BECAUSE YOU WONT FIND ANYTHING ON ME. I am a great mother and no one can say otherwise. I always put my child first and will continue too. No one knows what happened to me and my child except for the people who I have told and still some do not believe me and say "people change, maybe you should give your ex a chance". Why should I give him a chance???? Why should he not have to prove himself before I give him a chance???
So who can you trust???? The answer really is no one but yourself. Trust your instincts because 9 out of 10 times they are right. That gut feeling telling you something is not right needs to become your best friend. Who cares if you are wrong for protecting your self and your children. I would rather be wrong and protective then wrong and have yourself or your child at risk.
I know some women going through the family court system who have had their own family turn on them and side with the ex. Yes it is hard to believe but it does happen. I also know people who have had doctors, neighbours and school teachers turn on them and side with the father. The thing is you don't know who you can trust until it is too late. My advice be careful who you talk to, do not ever confided in mutual friends of you and your ex. The best people to confided in are other mums who are going through the system or who have been through the system and even then you have to be careful as a lot of time people are not who they say they are. Find that one person you can trust and slowly build a relationship with them. Listen to your gut feeling about that person and never give specifics about your story, use a fake name and vent on facebook if you have to or write a blog to get it out. Just make sure you protect yourself.
I have lost many friends while going through the family court. Not because of anything they have done but because I don't know who I can trust. Some do not understand what I am going through and tell me to just hand my child over to an abusive father because he clearly wants a relationship with the child. No one will ever completely understand what you are going through as they did not live your life. Yes I am judged by people for trying to keep my child safe and to them I say "WALK A MILE IN MY SHOES AND THEN WE WILL TALK". I use to care what people thought about me, now I don't. I am in the family court cycle and my focus is surviving this next part of the abuse thrust upon me by my ex. I will survive and I will fight for the next 10 years to keep my child safe. I will play this family court game every day of my life to protect my child because I am her mother and that is my job now. I have put my life on hold for now to focus all my energy on surviving the family court game as best I can. I have put my wedding on hold and I have lost a baby because of the stress. I know things will be tough but if I don't fight for the safety of my child who will???
FINAL THOUGHTS
Trust yourself and your instincts
Trust what your children are saying
Do not trust court workers
Do not trust that the system will do the right thing
Do not sign anything you are not happy with as this will be used against you later on
Do not trust that your lawyer is on your side because they have been known to add to the bully of a protective mother to hurry the case through the system
Be careful who you vent too as this information could end up back at your ex and be used against you
Do not vent on your personal facebook page sometimes this stuff can end up in affidavits used against you even if your ex is being blocked from viewing your page
But most of all look after yourself and find support
Here is what happened to me. I received a text message from my first ever boyfriend asking me how I was. I did not think anything of it as this guy and I started seeing each other when we were 15 and then he moved to the other side of Australia so we had always kept in contact at Christmas and birthdays. I thought he was a friend and so began talking to him about what was happening in my life including about court and my partner. The questions started "so does your partner often walk out when you need his support? Does he financially support you and your child? I started to wonder why he would ask such questions I mean why would he need to know? Then when I told him how my ex behaved towards my mum and child during visits and I would be using this in my court case, my ex's behaviour started to change. I got suspicious of this and called "my friend" up on this. I have not heard from him since.
Three days ago I got a text message from a guy I dated 4 years ago for about 6 weeks until he said my child was an issue. He asked me if I was married yet? First I did not who this person was as I never kept in contact with him at all and when I found out who it was my first question was "why do you want to know?" That's when I came to the conclusion someone was after information on me, but who??? Maybe my ex and I realised I had the upper hand because I could feed both these people a load of lies which would discredit them in court.
I then had a mother at my child's school tell me how great it was that I was finally allowing my child to have a relationship with their father. It was great to see. To this I lost it saying "Oh yeah real great now he is able to abuse the child whenever he wants". She stared at me like I was speaking a different language. So I said "You weren't there when he physically hurt the child or when he was abusing me in front of the child, now do you think its great????" This mother walked away bitching about me to another parent and left me sobbing to another parent saying "She doesn't know what happened how dare she say that to me".
I felt betrayed by these people. What do they have to gain by sourcing information from me???? I then realised this was a good thing in a way. It means there is nothing on me that they can use so are trying to find information to discredit me as a mother in court. My advice for them KEEP DIGGING BECAUSE YOU WONT FIND ANYTHING ON ME. I am a great mother and no one can say otherwise. I always put my child first and will continue too. No one knows what happened to me and my child except for the people who I have told and still some do not believe me and say "people change, maybe you should give your ex a chance". Why should I give him a chance???? Why should he not have to prove himself before I give him a chance???
So who can you trust???? The answer really is no one but yourself. Trust your instincts because 9 out of 10 times they are right. That gut feeling telling you something is not right needs to become your best friend. Who cares if you are wrong for protecting your self and your children. I would rather be wrong and protective then wrong and have yourself or your child at risk.
I know some women going through the family court system who have had their own family turn on them and side with the ex. Yes it is hard to believe but it does happen. I also know people who have had doctors, neighbours and school teachers turn on them and side with the father. The thing is you don't know who you can trust until it is too late. My advice be careful who you talk to, do not ever confided in mutual friends of you and your ex. The best people to confided in are other mums who are going through the system or who have been through the system and even then you have to be careful as a lot of time people are not who they say they are. Find that one person you can trust and slowly build a relationship with them. Listen to your gut feeling about that person and never give specifics about your story, use a fake name and vent on facebook if you have to or write a blog to get it out. Just make sure you protect yourself.
I have lost many friends while going through the family court. Not because of anything they have done but because I don't know who I can trust. Some do not understand what I am going through and tell me to just hand my child over to an abusive father because he clearly wants a relationship with the child. No one will ever completely understand what you are going through as they did not live your life. Yes I am judged by people for trying to keep my child safe and to them I say "WALK A MILE IN MY SHOES AND THEN WE WILL TALK". I use to care what people thought about me, now I don't. I am in the family court cycle and my focus is surviving this next part of the abuse thrust upon me by my ex. I will survive and I will fight for the next 10 years to keep my child safe. I will play this family court game every day of my life to protect my child because I am her mother and that is my job now. I have put my life on hold for now to focus all my energy on surviving the family court game as best I can. I have put my wedding on hold and I have lost a baby because of the stress. I know things will be tough but if I don't fight for the safety of my child who will???
FINAL THOUGHTS
Trust yourself and your instincts
Trust what your children are saying
Do not trust court workers
Do not trust that the system will do the right thing
Do not sign anything you are not happy with as this will be used against you later on
Do not trust that your lawyer is on your side because they have been known to add to the bully of a protective mother to hurry the case through the system
Be careful who you vent too as this information could end up back at your ex and be used against you
Do not vent on your personal facebook page sometimes this stuff can end up in affidavits used against you even if your ex is being blocked from viewing your page
But most of all look after yourself and find support
Saturday 3 September 2011
Yes I survived Domestic Violence
Yes I am one of the 1 in 5 women that experience domestic violence (domestic Violence Resource Centre, 2007). No I am not making it up believe me I wish I was sometimes. I am a survivor of domestic violence. I got out, I was lucky. I had a great family support network who were there for me even when they were unaware what I was going through.
The Facts About Domestic Violence
Woman and Men can experience being on the receiving end of domestic violence. Woman are more likely the victims and seeing I am a women and am advocating for women and children I will be specifically talking about domestic violence which occurs to women and then providing my story.
Just because a man does not physically hit you does not mean you are not experiencing domestic violence. Domestic violence comes in many forms including, controlling behaviour, isolating some one from friends and family, threatening or intimidating behaviour, verbal abuse, sexual abuse and financial abuse. This does not have to be direct at you, it can also be directed at your family members (Behaviour which threatens a member of your family or even a pet).
Domestic violence can happen to anyone no matter where you sit on the socio economic status. It happens in many cultures and often goes unreported by women. Maybe out of fear or embarrassment.
When women try to leave a abusive spouse the violence usually escalates and this is where a lot of woman are seriously injured or sometimes are killed (Domestic Violence Resource Centre, 2007).
It is not your fault at all if you experience domestic violence. You did not provoke him and you do not deserve what he did to you at all. He is wrong not you.
Domestic Violence - My Story
I experienced verbal abuse which included things like "You are fat, you are ugly, no one will ever want you, your a slut". I believed everything and put up with this for almost 2 years. It continued after I left this man too. He also would yell at me in front of our child swearing at me and putting me down.
I also experienced controlling and isolating behaviour. This man would go through my phone and read all my texts messages, demand I tell him where I was at all times, not allow me out with my friends or family, not allow others to see our child. When I finally ended the relationship this behaviour escalated to stalking. He would sleep outside my home and follow me to the shops and to my families house so he still knew where I was. His family also helped him with his stalking behaviour allowing him to use their facebook account so he could see my profile and what I was up to.
I also experienced threats and intimidating behaviour. He threaten to take our child overseas so I would never see them again. He also threatened to cause problems for my mother at her job and where she lived. He threatened to report my brother to the police as well. I did not tell my mum or brother and would do what he said to try and protect my family.
I experienced financial abuse. He refused to help pay for anything for the baby. When i asked for money for nappies or formula he would respond by saying "If you fuck me I will give you the money just like the slut you are". When i finally contacted the child support agency, they said they would collect for me. For four years I received money on and off. Once the child support agency had found were he worked and started to deduct money from his pay he would leave that job and get another. This continued like this until he started court proceedings and now I get regular payments.
I experienced sexual abuse too. This is the hardest one to talk about because I feel ashamed. I first felt ashamed that the father of my child would do this to me while I was pregnant. Now I am ashamed that I did not report this. This man raped me and I ended up in hospital bleeding from the cervix. I told someone who I considered a friend what had happened to me and the response I got hurt and still does. She said "Who is going to believe you, you are pregnant with his child". I know that someone would have if I just had the courage to report it. I never told anyone else until recently.
How I survived
I survived my way and you will do the same. I didn't leave this man because I wanted better for me, I thought I deserved what he was doing to me. I left for my child. I wanted better for my child. I didn't want them thinking that domestic violence was OK. I found another guy online and started a "relationship" with him. I now know it was just sex but this guy being interested in me gave me the strength to leave. I know cheating is not right, it did help me to leave this man and see that other guys would want me.
I was lucky I did not live with this man at all. Do not get me wrong I was still in an abusive relationship and felt it every single day. I had the support of my mother who was my strength and financially supported me and my child and provided a roof over our heads and food for us to eat. I am one of the lucky ones I know some families turn a blind eye to what is happening.
One morning I woke up and realised that I wanted more, I deserved more and so I started making changes to my life. I lost the 30 kilos I had put on, I started taking pride in my appearance and I also decided I wanted a relationship with a guy who treated me right. I was lucky to find a man who did this but kissed many frogs to find him. I stopped drinking and going out every weekend. Don't get me wrong I do still go out occasionally but not to totally destroy myself and get blind drunk.
I took control of my life and you can too. I know it is hard believe me it took me years and once I thought I had control it was shatter by the delivery of court papers for custody of our child. I am pulling back my control from this man and do so every day by living my life to the fullest, making happy memories for my child and I and most of all not letting him win. I put on a brave face when I walk into that courtroom and I do not let him see that he is affecting me in anyway. I am dying inside but I will not give him back the control willingly. I will fight tooth and nail to protect my child and show him that he can no longer abuse me.
Do i have regrets. Yes, many. I did not get the police involved and I feel my child is being punished every day for my mistake. The child is being forced to see a violent man and because there are no police reports I can not prove he is violent. I regret putting his name on the birth certificate daily. I regret not changing my phone number. I regret not changing addresses. Life is full of regrets. I chose to life for today and not worry about my past. I chose to fight and speak out. I chose to advocate for all women and children and I chose to use my voice.
Will I have regrets later in life??? Yes probably but I am not worrying about these at the moment. My concern is getting through this part of my life and protecting my child even if the court is not going to help me. I will appeal and appeal and take my voice to the highest court if I have to.
Am I super woman??? No I am just a woman and mother trying to survive any way I can.
The Facts About Domestic Violence
Woman and Men can experience being on the receiving end of domestic violence. Woman are more likely the victims and seeing I am a women and am advocating for women and children I will be specifically talking about domestic violence which occurs to women and then providing my story.
Just because a man does not physically hit you does not mean you are not experiencing domestic violence. Domestic violence comes in many forms including, controlling behaviour, isolating some one from friends and family, threatening or intimidating behaviour, verbal abuse, sexual abuse and financial abuse. This does not have to be direct at you, it can also be directed at your family members (Behaviour which threatens a member of your family or even a pet).
Domestic violence can happen to anyone no matter where you sit on the socio economic status. It happens in many cultures and often goes unreported by women. Maybe out of fear or embarrassment.
When women try to leave a abusive spouse the violence usually escalates and this is where a lot of woman are seriously injured or sometimes are killed (Domestic Violence Resource Centre, 2007).
It is not your fault at all if you experience domestic violence. You did not provoke him and you do not deserve what he did to you at all. He is wrong not you.
Domestic Violence - My Story
I experienced verbal abuse which included things like "You are fat, you are ugly, no one will ever want you, your a slut". I believed everything and put up with this for almost 2 years. It continued after I left this man too. He also would yell at me in front of our child swearing at me and putting me down.
I also experienced controlling and isolating behaviour. This man would go through my phone and read all my texts messages, demand I tell him where I was at all times, not allow me out with my friends or family, not allow others to see our child. When I finally ended the relationship this behaviour escalated to stalking. He would sleep outside my home and follow me to the shops and to my families house so he still knew where I was. His family also helped him with his stalking behaviour allowing him to use their facebook account so he could see my profile and what I was up to.
I also experienced threats and intimidating behaviour. He threaten to take our child overseas so I would never see them again. He also threatened to cause problems for my mother at her job and where she lived. He threatened to report my brother to the police as well. I did not tell my mum or brother and would do what he said to try and protect my family.
I experienced financial abuse. He refused to help pay for anything for the baby. When i asked for money for nappies or formula he would respond by saying "If you fuck me I will give you the money just like the slut you are". When i finally contacted the child support agency, they said they would collect for me. For four years I received money on and off. Once the child support agency had found were he worked and started to deduct money from his pay he would leave that job and get another. This continued like this until he started court proceedings and now I get regular payments.
I experienced sexual abuse too. This is the hardest one to talk about because I feel ashamed. I first felt ashamed that the father of my child would do this to me while I was pregnant. Now I am ashamed that I did not report this. This man raped me and I ended up in hospital bleeding from the cervix. I told someone who I considered a friend what had happened to me and the response I got hurt and still does. She said "Who is going to believe you, you are pregnant with his child". I know that someone would have if I just had the courage to report it. I never told anyone else until recently.
How I survived
I survived my way and you will do the same. I didn't leave this man because I wanted better for me, I thought I deserved what he was doing to me. I left for my child. I wanted better for my child. I didn't want them thinking that domestic violence was OK. I found another guy online and started a "relationship" with him. I now know it was just sex but this guy being interested in me gave me the strength to leave. I know cheating is not right, it did help me to leave this man and see that other guys would want me.
I was lucky I did not live with this man at all. Do not get me wrong I was still in an abusive relationship and felt it every single day. I had the support of my mother who was my strength and financially supported me and my child and provided a roof over our heads and food for us to eat. I am one of the lucky ones I know some families turn a blind eye to what is happening.
One morning I woke up and realised that I wanted more, I deserved more and so I started making changes to my life. I lost the 30 kilos I had put on, I started taking pride in my appearance and I also decided I wanted a relationship with a guy who treated me right. I was lucky to find a man who did this but kissed many frogs to find him. I stopped drinking and going out every weekend. Don't get me wrong I do still go out occasionally but not to totally destroy myself and get blind drunk.
I took control of my life and you can too. I know it is hard believe me it took me years and once I thought I had control it was shatter by the delivery of court papers for custody of our child. I am pulling back my control from this man and do so every day by living my life to the fullest, making happy memories for my child and I and most of all not letting him win. I put on a brave face when I walk into that courtroom and I do not let him see that he is affecting me in anyway. I am dying inside but I will not give him back the control willingly. I will fight tooth and nail to protect my child and show him that he can no longer abuse me.
Do i have regrets. Yes, many. I did not get the police involved and I feel my child is being punished every day for my mistake. The child is being forced to see a violent man and because there are no police reports I can not prove he is violent. I regret putting his name on the birth certificate daily. I regret not changing my phone number. I regret not changing addresses. Life is full of regrets. I chose to life for today and not worry about my past. I chose to fight and speak out. I chose to advocate for all women and children and I chose to use my voice.
Will I have regrets later in life??? Yes probably but I am not worrying about these at the moment. My concern is getting through this part of my life and protecting my child even if the court is not going to help me. I will appeal and appeal and take my voice to the highest court if I have to.
Am I super woman??? No I am just a woman and mother trying to survive any way I can.
Protecting Children in Family Court
We all want to protect our children and are lead to believe that the courts will help us do this. Fact is they often don't. Many children are forced to spend time with their abusers because of the current family laws.Think I am lying??? Ha I wish I was believe me. I know many mother's who have to pack off their children to go and see an abuser even though they have an AVO or DVO.
Thanks to John Howard father's now have more rights then ever and after often given accuse to abuse children and their mother's even more. This is court appointed abuse. Best interest of the child means t have a relationship with both parents even if they have experienced abuse. Most people wont believe me until they are put in this situation and don't even mention that this is happening to your friends because you will get "yeah right".
Even with proof of the abuse your child will still be made to spend some time with an abuser whether it starts out as supervised or not. Scary thought I know. You left the relationship to protect your children from the abuse and yet the court sends them straight back.They do this because of the current family laws.
Most abuses seek orders through the family court to continue the abuse on mother's and also as a way to continue to control your life. They still intimidate you and can have orders controlling what you can and can not do. They also can demand your contact details including your address and phone number. And don't think for a second that the AVO you have will stop them contacting you because unfortunately it wont.
So how do we keep our children safe with our current family laws??? We can't all we can do is hope like hell the changes to the Family Law put children's rights above parents and that they are passed through senate.
Want to help??? email your support for the new family law bill to legcon.sen@aph.gov.au
Thanks to John Howard father's now have more rights then ever and after often given accuse to abuse children and their mother's even more. This is court appointed abuse. Best interest of the child means t have a relationship with both parents even if they have experienced abuse. Most people wont believe me until they are put in this situation and don't even mention that this is happening to your friends because you will get "yeah right".
Even with proof of the abuse your child will still be made to spend some time with an abuser whether it starts out as supervised or not. Scary thought I know. You left the relationship to protect your children from the abuse and yet the court sends them straight back.They do this because of the current family laws.
Most abuses seek orders through the family court to continue the abuse on mother's and also as a way to continue to control your life. They still intimidate you and can have orders controlling what you can and can not do. They also can demand your contact details including your address and phone number. And don't think for a second that the AVO you have will stop them contacting you because unfortunately it wont.
So how do we keep our children safe with our current family laws??? We can't all we can do is hope like hell the changes to the Family Law put children's rights above parents and that they are passed through senate.
Want to help??? email your support for the new family law bill to legcon.sen@aph.gov.au
Mother going through Family Court
That knock on the door comes and the dreaded papers to appear in family court have arrived. You open them and start reading the papers. Before you know it you have read the first lie, then the next and then the next. You are angry, hurt and most of all you feel completely alone. You keep reading and come to what orders your ex is seeking and you feel your world as you know it completely crumble. All you want to do is scream, cry and run away. Surely no court would believe this and they will listen to what you have to say and everything will be alright. You contact a lawyer or legal aid to try and get someone to help represent you. If this does not work you know you will be self representing.
If you do have a lawyer you turn to them for answers in putting your response together which brings up a lot of bad memories all while trying to keep things as normal as possible for the child/ren because that's what mums do.
You look around for support and notice people who you consider friends vanish in front of you. Your family doesn't understand or maybe do not support you and you start to feel even more alone. You go looking for support on the net and come across groups who are supposedly offering support for all single parents. This is not the case unfortunately because you are a woman you are in the wrong and are stopping your ex having access to his children which is after all his god given right. You start to question yourself and the feeling of isolation becomes worse.
NEWS FLASH
You are not alone at all. There are mums out there who are going through the same thing as you are but because of section 121 of the family law act most mothers are gagged and cant share their story. There are support networks out there for mothers it takes a while to find them. I know as I am one of these mums. I was lucky enough to find support and hope you do too. You will need to be careful about how you look for support. Remember the gag act. Do no use your real name and be very careful. There are people out there who will pretend to care and then turn on you often providing your ex with details for him to use against you. Never reveal any specific information about your case to anyone even people you trust
Some tips on finding support services include:
Contacting women and children's centre's in your state. They have social workers who can offer some much needed relief
Facebook groups - Keep searching groups for family law support (DO NOT USE YOUR REAL NAME USE AN ALIAS). Once you find some groups through Facebook be careful especially if the page is against the new Family Violence bill being passed. These are usually father rights group who pretend to want to help but they don't.
Search google for single mothers groups and keep digging through the endless sites which support father's rights you will find some (I did after many hours of trying)
Read blogs like this and others which offer resources to assist you in your fight
* Visit Mother and Children advocate pages *
My advice keep looking for and asking for support hopefully you will find it like I did. Your closest allies are other mothers going through the same thing you are going through. They know how you feel. They too know the hell that you are experiencing and some are willing to help others in the same situation.
If you do have a lawyer you turn to them for answers in putting your response together which brings up a lot of bad memories all while trying to keep things as normal as possible for the child/ren because that's what mums do.
You look around for support and notice people who you consider friends vanish in front of you. Your family doesn't understand or maybe do not support you and you start to feel even more alone. You go looking for support on the net and come across groups who are supposedly offering support for all single parents. This is not the case unfortunately because you are a woman you are in the wrong and are stopping your ex having access to his children which is after all his god given right. You start to question yourself and the feeling of isolation becomes worse.
NEWS FLASH
You are not alone at all. There are mums out there who are going through the same thing as you are but because of section 121 of the family law act most mothers are gagged and cant share their story. There are support networks out there for mothers it takes a while to find them. I know as I am one of these mums. I was lucky enough to find support and hope you do too. You will need to be careful about how you look for support. Remember the gag act. Do no use your real name and be very careful. There are people out there who will pretend to care and then turn on you often providing your ex with details for him to use against you. Never reveal any specific information about your case to anyone even people you trust
Some tips on finding support services include:
Contacting women and children's centre's in your state. They have social workers who can offer some much needed relief
Facebook groups - Keep searching groups for family law support (DO NOT USE YOUR REAL NAME USE AN ALIAS). Once you find some groups through Facebook be careful especially if the page is against the new Family Violence bill being passed. These are usually father rights group who pretend to want to help but they don't.
Search google for single mothers groups and keep digging through the endless sites which support father's rights you will find some (I did after many hours of trying)
Read blogs like this and others which offer resources to assist you in your fight
* Visit Mother and Children advocate pages *
My advice keep looking for and asking for support hopefully you will find it like I did. Your closest allies are other mothers going through the same thing you are going through. They know how you feel. They too know the hell that you are experiencing and some are willing to help others in the same situation.
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