Yes I am one of the 1 in 5 women that experience domestic violence (domestic Violence Resource Centre, 2007). No I am not making it up believe me I wish I was sometimes. I am a survivor of domestic violence. I got out, I was lucky. I had a great family support network who were there for me even when they were unaware what I was going through.
The Facts About Domestic Violence
Woman and Men can experience being on the receiving end of domestic violence. Woman are more likely the victims and seeing I am a women and am advocating for women and children I will be specifically talking about domestic violence which occurs to women and then providing my story.
Just because a man does not physically hit you does not mean you are not experiencing domestic violence. Domestic violence comes in many forms including, controlling behaviour, isolating some one from friends and family, threatening or intimidating behaviour, verbal abuse, sexual abuse and financial abuse. This does not have to be direct at you, it can also be directed at your family members (Behaviour which threatens a member of your family or even a pet).
Domestic violence can happen to anyone no matter where you sit on the socio economic status. It happens in many cultures and often goes unreported by women. Maybe out of fear or embarrassment.
When women try to leave a abusive spouse the violence usually escalates and this is where a lot of woman are seriously injured or sometimes are killed (Domestic Violence Resource Centre, 2007).
It is not your fault at all if you experience domestic violence. You did not provoke him and you do not deserve what he did to you at all. He is wrong not you.
Domestic Violence - My Story
I experienced verbal abuse which included things like "You are fat, you are ugly, no one will ever want you, your a slut". I believed everything and put up with this for almost 2 years. It continued after I left this man too. He also would yell at me in front of our child swearing at me and putting me down.
I also experienced controlling and isolating behaviour. This man would go through my phone and read all my texts messages, demand I tell him where I was at all times, not allow me out with my friends or family, not allow others to see our child. When I finally ended the relationship this behaviour escalated to stalking. He would sleep outside my home and follow me to the shops and to my families house so he still knew where I was. His family also helped him with his stalking behaviour allowing him to use their facebook account so he could see my profile and what I was up to.
I also experienced threats and intimidating behaviour. He threaten to take our child overseas so I would never see them again. He also threatened to cause problems for my mother at her job and where she lived. He threatened to report my brother to the police as well. I did not tell my mum or brother and would do what he said to try and protect my family.
I experienced financial abuse. He refused to help pay for anything for the baby. When i asked for money for nappies or formula he would respond by saying "If you fuck me I will give you the money just like the slut you are". When i finally contacted the child support agency, they said they would collect for me. For four years I received money on and off. Once the child support agency had found were he worked and started to deduct money from his pay he would leave that job and get another. This continued like this until he started court proceedings and now I get regular payments.
I experienced sexual abuse too. This is the hardest one to talk about because I feel ashamed. I first felt ashamed that the father of my child would do this to me while I was pregnant. Now I am ashamed that I did not report this. This man raped me and I ended up in hospital bleeding from the cervix. I told someone who I considered a friend what had happened to me and the response I got hurt and still does. She said "Who is going to believe you, you are pregnant with his child". I know that someone would have if I just had the courage to report it. I never told anyone else until recently.
How I survived
I survived my way and you will do the same. I didn't leave this man because I wanted better for me, I thought I deserved what he was doing to me. I left for my child. I wanted better for my child. I didn't want them thinking that domestic violence was OK. I found another guy online and started a "relationship" with him. I now know it was just sex but this guy being interested in me gave me the strength to leave. I know cheating is not right, it did help me to leave this man and see that other guys would want me.
I was lucky I did not live with this man at all. Do not get me wrong I was still in an abusive relationship and felt it every single day. I had the support of my mother who was my strength and financially supported me and my child and provided a roof over our heads and food for us to eat. I am one of the lucky ones I know some families turn a blind eye to what is happening.
One morning I woke up and realised that I wanted more, I deserved more and so I started making changes to my life. I lost the 30 kilos I had put on, I started taking pride in my appearance and I also decided I wanted a relationship with a guy who treated me right. I was lucky to find a man who did this but kissed many frogs to find him. I stopped drinking and going out every weekend. Don't get me wrong I do still go out occasionally but not to totally destroy myself and get blind drunk.
I took control of my life and you can too. I know it is hard believe me it took me years and once I thought I had control it was shatter by the delivery of court papers for custody of our child. I am pulling back my control from this man and do so every day by living my life to the fullest, making happy memories for my child and I and most of all not letting him win. I put on a brave face when I walk into that courtroom and I do not let him see that he is affecting me in anyway. I am dying inside but I will not give him back the control willingly. I will fight tooth and nail to protect my child and show him that he can no longer abuse me.
Do i have regrets. Yes, many. I did not get the police involved and I feel my child is being punished every day for my mistake. The child is being forced to see a violent man and because there are no police reports I can not prove he is violent. I regret putting his name on the birth certificate daily. I regret not changing my phone number. I regret not changing addresses. Life is full of regrets. I chose to life for today and not worry about my past. I chose to fight and speak out. I chose to advocate for all women and children and I chose to use my voice.
Will I have regrets later in life??? Yes probably but I am not worrying about these at the moment. My concern is getting through this part of my life and protecting my child even if the court is not going to help me. I will appeal and appeal and take my voice to the highest court if I have to.
Am I super woman??? No I am just a woman and mother trying to survive any way I can.
Hi I want to say thank you,thank you for having the courage to speak out and telling the truth , often a consequence of DV is fear,even after u have left u remain trapped in fear,fear to speak,fear to be free,fear to stand up for yourself....u have shown that even though often the family courts are complicit in keeping survivors controlled by fear ..there is nothing to be afraid of...remove the fear and u are finally free
ReplyDeleteIt is a mothers natural right to retain custody
ReplyDeleteEleonor P.
Group History
9 months ago
http://www.expressindia.com/latest-news/divorced-mothers-custody-of-child-can-never-be-illegal-court/415237/
Divorced mother’s custody of child can never be illegal: court
Utkarsh Anand
Posted: Jan 26, 2009 at 2353 hrs IST
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...
New Delhi A divorce
cannot take away a mother’s right to be with her child and the custody cannot be called unlawful, a city court has held while quashing a man’s petition alleging that his estranged wife had illegally detained his son.
Additional Chief Metropolitan Magistrate (ACMM) Lokesh K Sharma said that keeping the child is a mother’s “natural right”, and a court requires extraordinary reasons to disturb the guardianship. “The custody of a minor child by his mother, by any stretch of imagination, would not constitute any offence,” the ACMM said in his order on Thursday.
The court also held that a mother could not be called an offender even if she forcibly detains the child. In the present case, the man had demanded that a search warrant be issued against his estranged wife.
Sharma said that divorce was a legal separation between husband and wife but they continue to remain the child’s father and mother. “A divorce between the parties, either by a decree of court or by a custom, severe relationship between them only as husband and wife. But the right of either of them as his legal and natural guardian does not ceases to exist,” the court held.
A resident of Gokulpuri, the petitioner had alleged that he did not know the whereabouts of the child since January 8, and that his former wife was not letting their son to attend school.
The court also dismissed the petitioner’s plea that under Islamic laws, a woman would cease to exercise her rights as a mother after divorce. Observing that no such literature or judicial order could be brought on record by the man, ACMM Sharma said various precedents had established that a mother’s custody was officially authorised under the prevalent laws as well as customs.
This post was modified from its original form on 11 Dec, 20:48
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